If we are feeling insecure, feeling trapped in intractable conflicts or being confronted with the harsh realities of life, what are our orientations in life that guide us in what we do? How do we know, what we should do? What is right or wrong?
Some find answers in religion such as the Ten Commandments, the Code of Hammurabi or in reaching a social consensus, others find it within themselves1. What do I mean by that? In Aristotle‘s thinking, „man is by nature a political animal“ (Pol, 1253a1 πολιτικὸν ζῷον) or an inherently social being with Alfred Adler and, thusly, mentally capable to understand himself within the confines of space, time and personal identity through internal and external frame of reference. The internal frame of reference is my own reference point within myself – my thoughts, ideas, beliefs and prior experiences – on which I primarily base my own value and judgement about myself as a human being, whereas the external frame refers to other people and how they reflect me back to myself. Self-creation à la Nietzsche2 as well as environmental exposure affect the development of an individual in deeply interconnected ways. Here is a simple example for this:
Jules grew up in a harsh family environment as an only child. For her, missteps were never an option with her mother telling her what to do and how to do it. She gained value from doing good in the eyes of her mother. However, she never experienced that she is fine just as she is. The values of the external world (for example not foregrounding her own needs but those of others) became second nature to her in a way that her autonomy as an individual was hindered by it3. Ben was living a sheltered life in a loving home as a third-born. His parents provided the foundation for the development of a solid sense of trust which enabled him to roam freely in order to get to know and become himself. Missteps and failures have been deemed by his parents as necessary roadblocks in life for the development of autonomy.
Jules will probably find it harder to guide herself as she is used to finding her way of how to handle things mainly through the evaluation of others, whereas Ben will probably rather rely on his intuition and needs. This means that the social context in which children are living shapes how they think and behave. Understanding the complex process of personality development however doesn’t help us to identify our orientations in life. Every experience and social contact ultimately alters our behaviour due to the fact that we are referring to others and how they reflect us back when becoming ourselves, as Sartre’s existential philosophy set out to masterfully illustrate (in regard to what is means to be human).4
So, what keeps us grounded? On the one hand, it’s the people we’re surrounded with who reflect us back through verbal or non-verbal behaviour towards ourselves and our actions. There are three ways to respond to this kind of social mirroring: critical reflection, defence or indifference - all being driven by conscious and unconscious impulses. Self-discovery is a never-ending journey of becoming aware how all the prior experiences shaped us. Personality grows from within, but it is also subjected to external forces over time. How I build solid skills to endure hardship in life is dependent on how I am interpreting those experiences beforehand.5 If I can rely on my inner compass, then I’ll stand a good chance of finding my way even in the darkest hour.